50. I love a good read

BLOGGERS IN BLUE.

Lady In Red has long been a popular tune.
Bloggers In Blue, according to my newspaper today, are playing a far less popular tune so far as the sticklers, the PC PCs and above, of the police service are concerned.
Bloggers In Blue, they say, should be sacked.
All blogging, they strongly hint, should be banned by law.
Now that worries me almost as much as do the 'findings' of some gormless git who thinks we should all be paying by the mile to travel on roads for which we already pay an annual road fund licence fee. Which, incidentally, the Tossers-In-Power spend on everything but the roads.
Anyway, Bloggers In Blue.
I love a good read.
So I welcome the news that we have law enforcers who can do something other than present motorists with £30 to £60 on-the-spot fines for minor infringements.
Around here it would be a waste of time calling for help from the three police officers (two men and a woman) who are collecting a fortune in the parking bay of the school opposite.
They are far too busy fining young mums who have neglected to fasten their seat belts before driving away from the school.
Around the corner you could be beaten to death and no one would come to your aid.
Daft world, ain't it.

JESSICA...

I did a posting about Angela Lansbury yesterday. Then I deleted it.
I didn't think it was quite right.
You see, although I have read her biography, I suddenly realized that I know very little about the British born actress except the parts she has played.
Notably the crime solving thriller writer Jessica Fletcher in Murder, She Wrote.
I concluded that although most of the M.S.W. stories are tosh, sprinkled with dire American/Scottish, American/Irish and American/Cockney accents and laden with sadly older - much older - former film and tele stars, Ms. Lansbury was always the same... she was very good.
Physically she never altered, either.
Perhaps she has a picture in the attic.
But I have a soft spot for any Jessica, anyway, because of our granddaughter.
As I mentioned in Not Everybody Will Like You (17th November) Jess, now 11, has finished reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
She has started on Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials.

AND EMMA.

Back on one of our Harry Potter midnight publication trips to POttakers the children were invited to arrive as Potter characters. Prize for the best lookalike.
Our Jess went as Hermione Granger.
She didn't win.
There was an excellent Harry.
But the store manager said: 'I do wish we could give a second prize. This little girl is wonderful.'
She was happy with that.
When I bought the DVD Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire there was an extra DVD showing interviews with various cast members.
A bunch of young Americans interviewed Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint.
One of the questions asked of the three went along the lines of:
'What books have influenced you?'
Apart from the obvious reference to the Harry Potter stories, Daniel mentioned the Louis Sachar story Holes, Rupert had to admit that he seldom read at all and Emma said: 'His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman.'
No wonder the boys go in such ill-concealed awe of her.
She is Hermione Granger.
So, in her own non-acting sort of way, is our Jess.

49. Last week was all right

FOOTBALL. (Tuesday 21st November, 2006)

From a goggle-eyed old'uns point of view last week was all right.
On Tuesday there was football: Champions League Live from Celtic Park, Glasgow.
Celtic v Manchester United.
The cat Shadow purred when the Scots pulled it off.
I think he rates Gordon Strachan and is of the opinion that Alex Ferguson might be the type to kick a football boot in a cat's direction when his team loses.

FOOD.

On the same evening there was a fellow called Heston Blumenthal searching for perfection in fish and chips.
His myriad travels and scientific experiments finally produced the goods.
But I wonder if I was alone in feeling that there are more out than in?

YOUNG@HEART. (Wednesday 22nd)
Here was a gem about a singing group of New England pensioners.
Only America could produce a bunch of people, average age 80, who would tackle songs by the Clash, Radiohead and Coldplay, let alone Dylan and Bowie classics, and do it so well.
The viewer was in turn uplifted by joyful performances and touched by sad departures.
One to watch again and again.

OZ & JAMES'S BIG WINE ADVENTURE.

The Two Fat Ladies worked: The Hairy Bikers work:
Oz and James does not work.
Reason for this seems to be that Oz Clarke is depicted as a poncy wine-tasting bore and James May (the wet one in Top Gear) is portrayed as a macho beer-swilling boor.
One suspects that neither of these is an accurate representation and the programme suffers accordingly.
One not to watch again and again.

THE QUEEN MOTHER IN LOVE. (Thursday 23rd)
I avoided this.
Well, she always avoided me.
My Leader watched it.
Said it had all been done just as well before.
So I was glad I settled for...

THE STATE WITHIN.

Though I'm still not sure what bloody state that is.
Our man in Washington, Sir Mark, is being betrayed on all sides.
People take photographs of him in every conceivable place, position and situation.
He never recognizes that friends can be foes and foes can be even bigger foes.
It was part 4 of 6 this week.
I have not understood any of it since Part 1.
I shall watch it until the last incomprehensible moment.
I shall then look forward to seeing Jason Isaacs back as Lucius Malfoy in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
(Keep writing, J.K., Keep writing!)

JAM AND JERUSALEM. (Friday 24th)
Written by Jennifer Saunders.
Starring too many luminaries of the acting profession to be listed here.
It might, just might, have been a flop.
But of course it wasn't.
It was gloriously, outrageously, indescribably funny.

48. A star in America too!

WINSTONE THE WINNER.

I know it is not seemly to crow when you've got something right.
(Well, not unless you are Peter Pan it's not.)
But sod Peter Pan, today I am crowing!
In my post Some Actors Don't of 29th October, 2006, I expressed the view that Ray Winstone is a star.
And there is news this morning that Ray has won an Emmy for Vincent.
Jubilation!
It is the equivalent of an English boxer going to America and winning on points!
Except that Ray did it in the only way you can over there.
He knocked the opposition cold.
Few British actors do.
He did.
So, for what it's worth, well done Ray Winstone.
A star in America, too!

NOT SO MUSICAL.

The Sound of Music must have become sadly dicordant over the weekend for new singing star Connie Fisher.
The hills were alive with the sound of Sunday Scandal hacks.
Ignore 'em, kid.
They are talentless and exist only to pour shite on success.
Nobody of any consequence takes the slightest notice of them.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING.

The final part of Peter Jackson's film trilogy based on the J.R.R. Tolkein books was shown on television at the weekend.
My Leader gave it a miss this time.
Too manic, too bloodthirsty, too intense and ultimately too sad.
The cat Shadow slept through it until it was time for supper then went off to beat the bounds.
I sat transfixed for the second - maybe third - time around.
Nothing could have pulled me away from the incredible battle in which Orlando Bloom overcomes an attacking mammoth with its entire warrior crew and John Rhys-Davies bellows: 'That only counts as one!'
And to think that at my age I am excused paying the licence fee.
How good can it get?

47. Not everybody will like you.

ANOTHER SO-SO SOCCER MATCH.

Perhaps the football pundits have been less than fair to Steve McClaren.
Perhaps everybody always expects too much of the national team and its manager.
But a 1-1 draw with a mediocre Dutch side in Amsterdam on Wednesday did little to allay the growing misgivings of many England fans.
The cat Shadow, settled on his big new bean-bag, did not wake up until it was over.
'It was a draw,' I told him.
'Well it would be, wouldn't it,' he said, as though there was no question about it.
'Why would it be?' I asked.
'Oh do come on,' he said. 'An away friendly in Europe? You have to draw or lose to get out alive.'
'You're a racist cat,' I said. 'You said the same sort of thing about our boxers in America.'
'No I didn't' he retorted. 'I said that you've got to knock 'em out to win over there because they don't let foreigners win on points.'
'If you were a human you'd finish up before the Race Relations Board,' I said.
He stalked towards the catflap.
'Talk to the tail,' he said 'The ears aren't listening.'
A draw is the same as being beaten to him.
And he's a very poor loser.

HOW FAST THEY GROW.

Our lovely granddaughter, Jessica, will be eleven on Sunday.
Last night she finished reading Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince.
That's it until next year's midnight watch.
(Keep writing J.K.! Keep writing!)
Doesn't seem yesterday that little Jess was starting school.
Before she left I think I gave her the same advice I gave her mother, aunt and uncle way back when they started school.
'Some children will want to make friends with you right away. Be friendly with them. Not everybody will like you, though. Some may dislike you without reason. Don't worry about it. Avoid them.'
I hope it worked for all of them.
They've never said.
Didn't do much for me in wartime elementary schools.
At times I got a right thumping from the kids I should have avoided.
Anyway, I shall be wishing a Happy Birthday to Jess at the weekend.
She's taller than my Leader now.
And almost as tall as me.

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND.

This is still one tele programme to watch every morning.
Today Raymond found out that not everybody loves him after all.
A media presenter of some sort (recognised in America perhaps?) made it known that Raymond would not be welcome on his show.
He hated Raymond.
Raymond was hurt and bemused.
He had never met the man.
Of course Raymond's large and singularly more likeable brother was without sympathy.
It took a meeting of them both with the media presenter to reaffirm the maxim 'blood is thicker then water.'
Another excellent episode in an excellent series.
And another reminder that not everybody will like you.
So what!
If they don't, who needs 'em?

46. If you can't fight...

...WEAR A BIG HAT.

When I was a boy my father used to say: 'If you can't fight, wear a big hat!'
I have laughed at the cowboys in b/w movies ever since.
Today I read that Jack Palance has died.
It would have been a brave (indeed, downright foolish) man who laughed at him.
Remember when he shot poor little Elisha Cook Jnr.in Shane(1953)?
Remember his award winning - and terrifying - trail boss in City Slickers (1991)?
He exuded menace.
He had a wonderful deadpan humour.
And fellow actors had to be at their very best were he not to effortlessly upstage them.
With his departure goes one more superb screen villain.

ANOTHER CHANGE OF TITLE?

I have been reliably informed that when we changed our Blog from The Oldies to Watching The Detectives we were less than original.
Elvis Costello apparently wrote a song and there is a weekend column in The Guardian called Watching The Detectives.
So to Elvis Costello and to the writer of that weekend column (my daughter in Oxford will know his name, she's a teacher so, unlike me, she reads The Gridauran) my apologies, though I don't know why, neither of them is ever likely to read this.
Time for another change of title then?
Somewhen soon?
Na-a-a-ah - sod it!
[Now then: if you're the sort of NCIS nut who records it then doesn't watch it for ages do not read on because the next bit is a rock solid Spoiler!)

THEY'VE DESPATCHED CAITLIN!

Yep, Caitlin Todd has been written out at the end of the second series of NCIS.
Perhaps the pretty actress who played her, Sasha Alexander, wanted to leave.
Perhaps she could not stand the prospect of a third series alongside the detestable Dinozzo (Michael Weatherley) and Jethro Gibbs's haircut (though that has been acting rather well of late).
Anyway they brought in a shadowy assassin played by a shadowy occasional guest appearance actor.
He was supposed to be attempting to kill Jethro but succeeded in shooting Caitlin right between the eyes and Jethro's end of series speech.
She'll be missed.
They'll need someone else to dampen the detestable Dinozzo

45. A minor tirade and major kudos

WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT AN ASBO?

In our world of late there have been distractions too numerous to catalogue: even if I could remember what they were.
So I thought it must be time to indulge in a Blogger's Tirade again.
Well, if you can't beat 'em..
Away we go with a recent item on a bad news day..
ASBOs.
Though I tend, like a High Court Judge when normal sex is mentioned, to need the advice of Learned Counsel on what it is all about, I gather that ASBO stands for Anti Social Behaviour Order.
Appears it is a sort of punishment dished out to recalcitrant yobs.
And it has now become a badge of honour among them.
Something to boast about.
Why?
Many people have to be automatic candidates for ASBOs.
Politicians: estate agents: lawyers?
Surely to boast of being issued with one is totally moronic.
But try telling that to the morons who do the boasting.

RIGHT ROYLE ENDING.
"Warning: Contains Spoilers!"
For box watchers there was a one-off final episode (allegedly) of The Royle Family.
All the regulars were back.
The script was as good as ever.
The acting was as good as ever.
They were all of them better than anything they were watching on tele.
When weren't they?
Then Gran (dear old Liz Smith) popped her clogs.
There was not a dry eye in the house.

AND A RIGHT ROWLING SEND OFF.

As a denouement there was a programme about the programme and everyone talked about how wonderful it was to be in it, to make it, to watch it.
(You know, like they do in all those cheerful docu-advert things.)
They even had my own favourite, the elusive J.K. Rowling, to talk about it.
I watched and all the time wondered.
Will J,K.s last Harry Potter story come out on 07.07.07?
That is the educated guess of many Potter fans.
Can't come soon enough for me.
Just keep writing, J.K.!
Keep writing!

44. Foolproof - until some fool proves otherwise...

OVER-ZEALOUS RECORD KEEPING.

News this morning that Professor Sir Alec Jeffreys, University of Leicester(UK) inventor of DNA genetic fingerprinting, has expressed concern about the vast number of DNA records currently kept on file.
He was particularly concerned that many were of people innocent of any crime.
The DNA database in Britain is growing at a rate of 40,000 profiles a month.
With respect to ol' Bill Petersen and Co. (and to all the real CSI folk out there), I do worry a little about the possible flaws in any new identification system.
If the only flaw is over-zealous record keeping it is still a flaw.
It has been reported that our Prime Minister would like to see the whole country recorded on the DNA database.
He and his colleagues also talk of requiring every citizen to carry an identity card.
We had identity cards in the 39 - 45 war.
They were a waste of time then and they would be now..
So the Prime minister and his colleagues can bugger off.
The idea that any system could be foolproof worries me anyway.

A thing is only foolproof until some fool proves otherwise.

BLUE MURDER.

Concerned mother and cop Caroline Quentin is back on the box as DCI Janine Lewis in Blue Murder.
The title could be taken as a reflection on what the writers are trying to get away with.
It's OK as police shows go.
Very English.
Very Caroline.

I liked her better in Jonathan Creek.

CRIMINAL MINDS.

The boss in this is quirky cop Mandy Patinkin with his glasses on the end of his nose.
Don't think I've talked about it before.
May have done.
Can't remember.
There are so many of these cold case things.
Know I've talked about that before.
Anyway, it's very American.
Very Mandy.

And I liked him better when he was singing.

43. Some actors don't

VINCENT.

Some actors obviously act.
Some actors don't seem to.
You couldn't have been Watching the Detectives during the past fortnight without watching Vincent.[ITV1).
Vincent is, of course, the splendid Ray Winstone.
Ray plays himself.
He always has.
As himself he is infinitely more watchable than any of the personae he is given to play.
Make no mistake about it:
Ray Winstone is a star.
And Vincent, played by Ray, is compelling.

REMEMBERING STARS,

To anybody of my age, the thirties and forties were awash with stars.
Larger than life people who lit up the screen in cinemas we frequented before television became the thing.
I talk of stars like Spencer Tracy, Ketherine Hepburn, Bette Davis, Gary Cooper and, later, Kirk Douglas, Burt Lancaster, Julie Andrews, Marilyn Monroe, etc.
The big screen was full of them.
Their secret was that you did not go to watch So-and-So played by The Star.
You went to watch The Star playing So-and So.
People went to watch Bogie, Cagney, Edward G.,Fred and Ginger, Judy and Mickey...
If you are of the right sort of age, you name 'em.
These were the people who had a screen character tagged onto them as a sort of after-thought.
Nobody cared much who the character was.
I make an exception when it comes to Raymond Chandler's Philip Marlowe who was played by Dick Powell, Robert Montgomery, Humphrey Bogart, Elliot Gould et al and Leslie Charteris's The Saint who was played by Louis Hayward, Hugh Sinclair, George Sanders, Roger Moore, Ian Ogilvy and possibly others I am too old and too disinterested to remember...
There was also Edgar Rice Burroughs's Tarzan, though he, depicted as he was by many muscular - and some quite good - actors, will surely be best remembered as played by Johnny Weissmuller, a non-acting olympic swimmer.

The memorable character was the exception.

Mostly you just went to watch the star(s) of a film.

JUST A FEW STARS

By the same token, nowadays on television a few, just a few, actors are far bigger than the characters they play.

I don't know why.

You'll have your own opinion.

Suffice to say that if I knew how it is done I'd be rich and famous, too.

42. All systems GO!

LIKE WAITING FOR A BUS.

True to the famous Sod's law all the people we have been hoping to see for months have turned up at the same time today.
It has been a bit like when you've waited hours for a bus...
My Leader is away looking after grandson Ellis (18 months), a patented mischief maker.
She has missed the parade of luminaries starting with builders to put a rooflight in our windowless top floor back bedroom:
Waiting time for this has been right through all the sunniest weather in history.
The sky is now heavily overcast.
The job could have been done long ago, but this is a 'listed' building and the Pillocks in Power (aka The Planning Department) have been a bloody nuisance.
When aren't they?
Oh, we spoke to our Councillor - a patented chocolate fire guard - but he mouthed platitudes and disappeared in a puff of self-importance.
Now the government is talking of devolving more power to local councils.
But not to our council, surely?
Our council consists of a money grabbing bunch of planks.
It has far too much power already.


ANALOGUE v DIGITAL.

Next our mate and tele expert David arrived to fit us a second digi box so that we can at last view one digi station and record another at the same time.
We've waited since digital began for that.
Not his fault.
We thought you had no choice but to watch analogue if you were recording on digital.
Is that the right terminology, analogue and digital?
Who cares?
We just hadn't thought to ask him about it until now.
We now have four remote controls.
When I kick the bucket how will my lovely Leader manage?
Don't be daft.
Ellis will do it.

RING TELEPHONE RING.

Meanwhile, the phone keeps ringing.
It is some bright spark who insists that he wants to speak to 'Mrs.M.'
Seems 'Mr. D.' won't do.
I try not to be rude.
How rude do you have to be to get rid of these people?
And how the hell do they get our unlisted number?

41. Breakfast/Wogan, Tea/Havers, Lunch/ Aunt Kate

MOVING TRIBUTE.

Breakfast With Wogan on Monday (BBC Radio 2, 7.30 - 9.30) was a moving tribute by Terry Wogan to his programmer and friend Paul Walters, who died at the weekend.
The tunes and performers were all 'Doctor Wally' favourites.
When it was over my Leader said: 'They should make that into a tribute CD and sell it for Children In Need.'
May not be practical.
But I thought it was a nice idea.

ANOTHER ACTOR'S MEMOIRS.

Another book of memoirs would you believe?
This time by Nigel Havers.
Didn't catch the title but he'll be on a few more chat shows (it was Paul O'Grady's tonight) so no doubt everyone will know what it's called before the week is out.
He talked of people he has met and I would have let it wash over me had he not mentioned Jessie Matthews.
Ms. Matthews was one of those frightfully affected singer/dancers of the thirties who in later years featured on the radio in Mrs. Dale's Diary.

AUNT KATE'S STORY.

I had an aunt living in Portsmouth, Aunt Kate, who in looks was Jessie Matthews' double.
And the older they became the more the likeness grew.
Aunt Kate always laughingly denied any similarity until, after my uncle died, an old friend, a widower who had done well in business, called her up and asked her out to lunch.
They went in his Bentley to The Queen's Hotel, Southsea.
Before and during the war all the top stars appearing at The Kings Theatre would stay there.
The maitre d. was most attentive and Aunt Kate thought perhaps it had something to do with her friend's impressive limousine.
Then, as they were leaving, the maitre d. said: 'It has been so nice to see you here again, Miss Matthews.'
Aunt Kate smiled, inclined her head and said: 'How kind. Thank you.'
Well, she opined later, it would have been impolite to have embarrassed the man.
It would have put a damper on his day.
And anyway, she had always liked Jessie Matthews.

40. Guilty as charged - almost.

WELL, SHE'S USUALLY RIGHT.

I am still floundering disgracefully with this blog lark and have just managed to:
(1) publish a post with only the title written on it,
(2) finish up with two titles on the previous post and
(3) erase my next effort half way through.

When I first started (somewhen in July) I remember writing that
The Independent columnist Yasmin Alibhai-Brown wondered why bloggers wrote at such length.
Why did they do it at all?
Would they not be better occupied reading?
Making love?
Watching television?

Well, she's usually right.
And the answer had to be: of course they would.

I recollect pointing out as a personal defence, however, that I read all the time, am sadly of an age when making love is more often wishful thinking than wild abandon and that I spend far, far too much time watching television anyway.

SO WHY DO I MENTION THIS NOW?

Because when I managed to lose the blog/post/whatever that I talked about recently, I lost my reply to Yasmin A-B.
And I thought it wasn't a bad one for an oldy.
I stand guilty as charged - almost.

So Samuel Johnson rightly said: 'No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money.'
But he could never have forsaken writing.
A writer writes, come what may.
There is no law to say that anybody has to read it.
Best wishes, Yasmin A-B.
They broke the mould...
Though I doubt you'll read it here.

39. A little light editing

ENOUGH WORK FOR ONE DAY.

I went for it a couple of days back.
Did a little light editing.
It was quite enough work for one day.
Went through the lot.
Tried to make my words look slightly less like squeezed up blocks compressed into their Posting boxes and scared to break out.
Tried to modify any fulsome praise, too.
Fulsome praise is just not British.
This is the first bit of scribbling I've done since.
I was knackered.

ABSCONDED?

Funny thing is, I seem to have lost my first attempt at a blog.
I think it may have said something uncomplimentary about my local council.
They, like the power-mad everywhere, are a bunch of tossers.
I know it finished inviting any of you who cared to look in occasionally to do so, but if you didn't, sod it, who cared?
Anyway it's gone.
You don't think the Blogmaster could have censored it, do you?
Na-a-ah. I expect it just absconded.

THOSE DAUNTLESS TRIPPERS.

Joy of joys!
Unscathed by forward Frenchmen or bombs in Bali those dauntless trippers Claire and Lara are still TrippingOnWords.
It seems they are together again in Mongolia, or some such place where The Hordes gather.
Whatever.
It still sounds dangerous to me.
But walking in our little town is dangerous since the council introduced a bus lane the flow of which runs contrary to that of all the other traffic.
Beware local council planning, kids.
Otherwise, keep tripping.
My vow to read the last Harry Potter book and see all the films before I kick the bucket is now equalled only by my determination to see your intrepid travels through to a glorious conclusion.

CSI: MIAMI.

It was the fourteenth episode of a twenty five parter in series four.
A pair of film students had written a screenplay which mirrored unbelievable murders.
Who on earth convinced the watchable David Caruso to adopt that ludicrous affectation with the sunglasses?
Whoever.
Obviously tossers aren't the prerogative of local councils.

38. Nothing's really new

COLD CASE NO NEW TRICKS.

I blame my Leader. There's a thing called Cold Case on Sky Three (FREEVIEW) and she heard about it from who knows who or where. It is about a team of detectives who investigate defunct cases.
Have to admit I was sceptical. Any tele show that is on digital when you first hear about it is like any film that has gone straight to DVD or any DVD that is free with a newspaper. Suspect.
Well, we gave it a try. The first episode we watched was full of flashbacks and meaningful glares. Ah well...

Nothing's really new anyway.

NEW TRICKS SAME COLD CASE.

It helped not if you compared it with New Tricks.
New Tricks had the female boss played by Amanda Redman and the bunch of old detectives played by Alun Armstrong, James Bolam and Dennis Waterman. They investigated abandoned cases.

They were successful. Dennis Waterman's singing was less so.

AND ALL A DEAD END.

Much the same trick was performed years ago by a writer called Roy Vickers with his Department of Dead Ends books.
I was much younger then so to my mind he did it better.

And he didn't have Dennis singing.

THE VACILLATIONS OF POPPY CAREW.

This DVD was obtained via a coupon in my Leader's newspaper. Yeah, I know.
Seems it was originally a television adaptation of the story by Mary Wesley.
It starred Tara Fitzgerald as Poppy with a splendid bunch of co-stars including the inspired casting of Sian Phillips as Calypso, a favourite Mary Wesley character.
Sadly it lacked the unique Wesley writing. She could make the most bizarre situation believable. Invariably did, too. It's hard to capture such magic on film.

Heck, it was gratis and we rather enjoyed it.

PRIME SUSPECT - the FINAL ACT.

We saw this first of a two part thriller which brings back Helen Mirren as Detective Superintendent Jane Tennyson for the last time (allegedly).
It is a harrowing story in which Jane is facing the prospect of a bleak retirement as a lonely alcoholic and it bears no resemblance whatsoever to that of the many retired police officers I know.
Most of them seem to enjoy themselves whether they be re-employed in security work or jobless and constantly holidaying.

Never mind, forget the flaws, on film Mirren is magic.

37. A bit of a week

RUSTY WIRE AT THE END.

Wire In The Blood finished on Wednesday evening with forensic psychologist Robson Green being suspected of making that way-back-in-the-past mistake which may have put an innocent man in prison.

Sound familiar? Yep, it was of course the stock mistake which all TV heroes are suspected of making when plot lines are thin in any crime series. One gained the impression that the wire could be getting a bit rusty.

There was a far-fetched but ingenious get-out for our hero, however, and by my marking system this episode of Scriptwriters v Robson ended in a draw.

I hope ol' Robson will be back, though - if only to show two fingers to Ricky Gervais.

CROATIA v ENGLAND.

The result of the other match of the evening was forecast by the cat Shadow who ate his supper and departed through the catflap with the comment: 'I'm off. It'll be a win for the home side. You might as well go to bed.'

I didn't stay up.

HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

Gordon Ramsay was guest host in the first of a new series of this popular programme.

Clearly nervous and presumably warned to moderate his language, he struggled manfully as Paul Merton performed the hatchet job he does so well on all guest hosts.

I was again reminded that no matter how famous I was, or how much my agent thought we needed the money, nothing on earth would persuade me to take on the task of hosting this show.

So why do I think that neither Paul Merton nor Ian Hislop will ever accept an invitation to be a guest cook in Gordon Ramsay's kitchen?

36. The easy way out.

MY NEXT GUEST IS ANOTHER BOOK SELLER.

It is book plugging time again and the box has been awash with chat show guests encouraged to appear not because they adore Parky, or are lifelong friends of Paul O'Grady, or cannot resist the charms of Fern and Philip, but because they each have a book to sell.

This, of course, is publishers taking the easy way out. It is not new. Most of them have always believed that publicity costs too much. For years the lazy bastards simply cajoled their authors into traipsing around booksellers signing copies of the latest masterpiece. It was cheaper than mounting a publicity campaign.

Then came television and the dawning of yet another way to make an easy buck.

Take on only writers who are instantly recognizable to their adoring public. Actors, sportsmen and television celebrities are favourites.

Put their name and photograph on a book cover (whether they have actually written the thing or not) and get their agent to book them onto a nice friendly chat show.

Finally, sit back like an estate agent and wait for the money to pour in.

THE WEEK'S NOTABLES.

This week's chat show notables have been Jack Osbourne, a frequently silly boy who has become a thoroughly worthwhile young man, and Australian writer Clive James, a dryly caustic film critic who later spoilt his image by interviewing the singer Frank Sinatra in the most embarrassingly respectful way.

Clive was plugging his book. Jack was doing the same.

Well, you can't blame them, can you. Once the book is published, their publishers won't be doing much.

J.K.Rowling's publishers seem to be the exception.

But then so is J.K. Rowling.

35. So that was the weekend.

ENGLAND v MACEDONIA SATURDAY 7TH OCTOBER

At about twenty past six in the evening the cat Shadow demanded his dinner.
I went to the kitchen and fed him. I couldn't see any likelehood of a goal being scored in my absence.
By half past six he was pushing his way out through the catflap.
'You're going then,' I shouted, needlessly. 'I thought the Macedonians were quite good.'
'No they weren't,' he shouted back. 'The English team was rubbish.'
Oh dear...

NCIS.

Also on Saturday, Channel 5 screened another couple of episodes of this well scripted series.
A regular member of the excellent cast is English actor David McCallum.
Those old enough to remember the sixties will remember him in a series called The Man From Uncle.
In NCIS he plays a character with the unlikely name of Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard and the best line of an episode called The Meat Puzzle was given to team boss Gibbs (Mark Harmon).
When team member Caitlin (Sasha Alexander)asked him: 'What do you think Ducky would have looked like when he was young, Gibbs?'
Gibbs replied: 'Ilya Kuryakin.'
I was transported back forty years.
Nice one, script writers.

WHAT WE DID ON OUR HOLIDAYS.

The acting was outstanding in this morose drama and I speak as one who has always regarded Shane Richie as something of an unfrocked redcoat.
He and his co-stars worked their (probably rather sweaty) socks off in the Malta sun.
They won.
The end was a shocker.
Roger Lloyd Pack had the pivotal part and made the most of it.

34. Blessed is the man...

HORSES FOR COURSES ETC.

Way back around 1974 I was on a Management Training Course at Willie Rathbone Staff College in Liverpool.
Suffice it to say I was not really the right horse for that particular course.
My fellow course members were all hospital management and I was employed by a committee which dealt solely with general practitioners, dentists, chemists and opticians.
In other words, I was the lone outsider.
Eventually, at a 'brainstorming' session where these bright hospital managers sat around in a circle (which included me and - praise be - an Irish nun from a nursing order), a weighty matter pertaining to hospital procedure was discussed.
Everybody put a sensible contribution into the collective think tank until it came to me.
I had to admit that I had nothing to contribute.
My fellow team members seemed to have said just about everything and my zero experience of hospital administration left me with nothing to add.
The Irish nursing nun sat on the other side of the circle directly opposite me and her eyes twinkled:
'Ah Dennis,' she said gently, 'blessed is the man who has nothing to say - and doesn't say it!'
I do wish I could remember that lovely Sister's name. People like her deserve to be cherished by their God.

A CAT FOR FOOTBALL.

I am going to finish twittering on now.
Match of the Day Live, England v Macedonia is coming later.
I must prepare for the cat Shadow (named after the Cliff Richard backing group - don't ask) and I to watch it.
My Leader is at work but will be home before the match starts and will expect lunch. I'm buying fish and chips. I don't need to cook it and the cat will enjoy a share.
Oh, he'll sleep through the football but he'll be full of opinion when it's over.
Not if it's rubbish, though.
If it's rubbish he'll stalk out through the catflap and not come back until tomorrow morning.

33. Amidst the repeats

TIME FOR A READ.

There has been the customary ragbag of repeats on the box - especially on the digi stations - so I have taken the opportunity to do a little light reading and catching up on gossip.

Cannot be absolutely sure but did I glean the news that TrippingOnWords Claire and Lara are parting company, albeit temporarily, one for France and the other for Bali? [Avoid the intentions of most men in France, Claire. Avoid any unattended parcels in Bali, Lara.]
Did I gather, too, that they have been receiving rather more male mail than female mail and would welcome a bit of a reversal in that department?
[Sorry, can't help there. I'm sure they have long ago perfected a technique for sifting the genuine article - both sexes - from the avoid-at-any-costs crank. Or should I be so naive as to believe there will be none of the latter creeping around Blogland?]
Anyway, I wish them an elderly Englishman's very best wishes and look forward to reading more of their adventures when they reunite.

Over the past couple of days I have been reading 'Red Carpets and other banana skins,' by the actor Rupert Everett.
In a world where many celebrities rely on the services of a 'ghost writer' in order to feign a vestige of literacy it is good to find an actor who appears to have personally written his autobiography. He comes across as outspoken, mostly genial and unafraid of authority in any form. He writes well.
He is also a damned good actor.

THE OUTSIDERS.

The new detectives this week were The Outsiders. Trouble is, it did not come across as all that new. Blink and you could have been watching Callan or Harry Palmer or James Bond or almost any other anti-hero of recent years.
Considering I was warned of this, by Radio Times tele writer Jane Rackham no less, I probably should have avoided it. I didn't and of course I quite enjoyed it. Well, I am used to repeats after all.

WIRE IN THE BLOOD.

Good ol' Robson Green versus the scriptwriters again. The scriptwriters put up a pretty good showing in this 3rd of a 4 part series.
But I now make it 3 - 0 to Robson.
Oh, the 'other one' mentioned a couple of times recently was Jerome Flynn. He and Robson surfaced in the early nineteen nineties in a television series called 'Soldier, Soldier.' Last seen he was doing a one-man show playing the part of Tommy Cooper and doing it brilliantly.
What talent these young blokes have.

32. Totally unreal reality

CHEAP TELE.

If you by chance are the rumoured reader - and are also a fan/devotee/supporter of reality television shows - look away now.
I think they are crap.
Cheap tele.
An abomination.
I am convinced that some Shareholders' Darling at the top of the television ladder sought out the cheapest load of bilge conceivable and snapped it up for the delectation of the most cheaply pleased audience.
Totally unreal reality for the totally uncritical viewer.
I never could warm to the television cook ('chef' be buggered) 'teaching' squirming tyros - nobodies or self-styled celebrities - by bawling obscenities at them.
I was equally appalled as people who should have been repaid with a very hard slap made sneering remarks about the lack of dancing/singing/skating/love-making-ability or whatever of other human beings. And all in the name of 'good television?'
Among the most useless tools are reality television judges.
Latest to grace our screens have been a previously unheard of 'chef' and a greengrocer who, after an apparently successful first series of yet another MasterChef show, miraculously transformed into a 'nutrition and dietary expert.'
No, sorry, cannot stand it.
Cannot stand waiting the long, long, interminably long seconds ('It's good television.' Bollocks!)to find out who has been knocked out, kicked off, or even won, either.
I'll just stick to the stuff done by professionals, thank you.

SPOOKS.

Now this is a very professional job. Frighteningly so at times. All the intelligence types are at each others' throats and all the politicians are murderous bastards.
Total reality really.
I believe it.

31. Where seldon is sought an original thought...

NCIS AGAIN - AND AGAIN.

Yes, on Saturday NCIS was back again and again. I suppose putting on two episodes consecutively saves the programme planners the need to think too hard and speeds along the process of screening all 23 episodes in the series before public interest collapses.
However, despite varied plots and a mostly likeable cast - even Mark Harmon's haircut acts better with each episode - this does come across as shoddy planning.
I once had a boss who should have been a television programme planner. He never aspired to an original thought in his entire life. He just took other people's ideas and peddled them as his own. To the sort of gullible prat who can be found on every committee he was mightily impressive. When he was finally rumbled there was no shortage of sackcloth and ashes.
It was all a long time ago. Had it happened recently I would have advised him to train as a television planner.
Now, where was I? Oh yes...

AFTERLIFE.

Lesley Sharp and Andrew Lincoln make this dark drama unmissable whether you believe in the paranormal or not. I'm hooked and I was brought up to believe that if you can't see it, it isn't there.

CRACKER.

Last night it was the highly publicised one-off return of Robbie Coltrane as Jimmy McGovern's Fitz.
I believe in fictional criminal psychologists, profilers etc. about as much as I believe in fictional amateur detectives like Sherlock Holmes, Lord Peter Wimsey and Hercule Poirot.
But when the writer is a master craftsman and the leading actor is so talented you just have to shelve your disbelief. This was an absolute Cracker.